On the bottom of the whiteboard where we write our list of meds to be ordered is a box specifically set aside for the non-professional stuff. Traditionally, our owner would buy those things from Sam's Club just down the road. However, having gone to Sam's Club yesterday to continue the tradition, I was rudely awakened to the fact that they DON'T ACCEPT VISA CREDIT. Visa debit is fine, but credit? Fuck, no, thank you very much--we prefer to reject the most widely-used credit card in the cosmos because reasons! So that led to my proclamation of "Bye, Felicia!" and the abandonment of a (very) full basket at the checkout counter for employees to re-shelve, followed by a grand exit during which I willed myself to believe that the Walton family (of WalMart fame) gives even the smallest rat's shit about the money they'll lose from my NOT buying 6 paper towel dispensers and a buttload of dish soap. There's way more to the saga of Sam's, but it can all be summed up tidily by saying that Sam's Club sucks festering ass.
Anyway. . .
One of the items on the list yesterday was lube. We use a LOT of lube. On thermometers and our (gloved) fingers. I'm sure you can imagine. So while I was at Ass Sucking Central Command (Sam's Club) yesterday, gathering up all the stuff I wouldn't be allowed to buy, I had to ask the woman behind the pharmacy counter if they carried lube, which they don't. (Because nobody involved with Sam's Club has need of lube. Ever.) Then I asked her, "Can you tell me where I can get lube in bulk?"
Let me reiterate:
"Can you tell me where I can get lube in bulk?"
I ASKED THAT QUESTION. Shortly thereafter, I was informed by Sam's that my puny little Visa credit card with the $5,000 A MONTH limit wasn't good in their establishment. So even if they had had it, I would have had to leave it behind.
Do you appreciate the difficulty of finding lube in bulk?
I had today off, and so went to WalMart (I love the Walton clan, I really do. My cheapness almost always trumps every other consideration.) There I found lube in 4-ounce tubes, and since they were only $1.98 apiece, I tossed 5 into my basket along with the packages of Sharpies and bottles of dish soap. As I headed toward the checkout lines, I realized someone was going to have to handle all the lube to bag it up, and felt a little of what it must feel like to walk into the drugstore and buy condoms for the first time. Did I really want some little old guy wondering just what in the name of fuck-all I needed FIVE tubes of lube for? Not really.
So I bought a tote bag. I bought a $5 tote bag EXCLUSIVELY for buying 5 tubes of lube, so I wouldn't have to go through the manned checkout lane and could instead go through the self-checkout where, for some bizarre reason, they don't have bags. (Well, I guess it isn't that bizarre. If there were bags at the self-checkout, they wouldn't be able to make sure they were charging us a dime each for them. Because the Walton's need dimes.)
My stealthiness worked, and nobody accused me of being a whore, which was nice.
Upon taking my luby treasures to work, I discovered that we just usually bundle the request for lube into our usual order for Rimadyl and Phycox and CT Chews. No biggie.
And then the Girl showed me online where I could buy a 50-gallon drum of lube. I don't want to know how she knows.