I would NOT like it!

In a coffee shop somewhere

ME

(Happily surprised)  Hey!  How're you doing?

YOU

(hugging)  I'm great!  How are you?

ME

Pretty well, actually.  I just got a promotion, so. . . you know, things are good!

YOU

That's awesome!  Will you be making more money?

ME

Not at the beginning, but maybe soon?  We'll have to see how it goes.  

YOU

(grinning widely)  Well, I'm impressed.  I always knew you could do it.  

ME

(looking around at others around, assessing)  Hey, is it warmish in here, or is it just me?

YOU

(also gauging everyone else in room)  No, I think it's just you.  Oh, did you hear that I'm going  to be moving soon?  The new house is way bigger, and I just LOVE the neighborhood.

ME

(reaching up to touch own face)  Well, it'll certainly be better than living next door to that psychomoose you've had to deal with for years.  (laughing, but touching face with slightly more pressure.)

YOU

Don't I know it.  She pulled some crazy shit.

ME

(poking at own cheeks with rising alarm)  Seriously, am I the only one who feels like this?  Is your face tingly at all?

YOU

No...are you okay?

ME
(laughing again)  Oh, I'm fine.  I'm probably just dehydrated.  (signals waiter for a glass of water)

YOU
My brother once passed out cold in the middle of a picnic, and we were told he was dehydrated.  Personally, I think it was the 32 beers, but what do I know?

ME
Uh, ha-ha!  Yeah.  (flicking fingers into cheek.)  Five six-packs will do that to you. . . (experimental, tentative smack across own face.)

YOU
What are you doing?

ME
Being an alarmist, apparently.  I'm fine.  (deep breath, regroup, smiiiile)  So what prompted the move?  Aside from the neighbor, that is.  Didn't she burn carpet in the backyard that one time?  Who does that?

YOU
Yes!  Oh, my God, the smell!  It was like a tire factory in Detroit, or something.  But no, I'm moving to be closer to work and in a neighborhood that doesn't make me fear for my life.  The commute will go from an hour to something like 15 minutes.  Glorious!  Wait.  What--

ME
(running fingers down face, pulling skin down into a rubber halloween mask inside-out lower eyelid screamfest)  Nothing.  Are you--  Can you feel--  Touch my face.

YOU
(recoiling almost imperceptibly) I don't know. . .

ME
TOUCH IT!

YOU
(reaching out and touching face)  Feels perfectly normal, okay?

ME
(panicky) But I can't feel it!

YOU
What?

ME
(grabbing at YOU's shirt collar and yanking)  I think I might be having a stroke.  Does my face look funny?  Is one side all hangy?  Baby aspirin!  I need a baby aspirin!

YOU
I think that's for heart attacks...

ME
(pretty darn shrieky) Really?  You feel the need to be pedantic RIGHT NOW?  I'm probably going to lose the ability to speak in about three minutes and you're withholding the aspirin?!

YOU
(backpedaling, literally) I'm not--

ME
(making hurculean effort to calm the fuck down)  Breathe.  Breathe.  Okay.  Okaaaaaaaaay. . .  Phew.  I'm sorry, I'm sorry.  I didn't mean to yell at you, but seriously--

YOU
I--

ME
(losing shit yet again)  WHAT IS WRONG WITH MY FACE?!

YOU
(deer in headlights, dude)  Normal!  It's normal!  Your face is totally normal!

ME
(very stern)  No, it is NOT.  NORMAL.  I cannot FEEL IT.  Here, do this-- (grabs YOU's hand and smacks it back and forth across own face really, really hard)  

YOU
(yanks hand back)  Hey!

ME
THAT WAS NOT NORMAL!

YOU
(freaked out beyond reason)  No, making your friend smash you across the face is definitely not normal!

ME
(wild-eyed, freakishly animated) Call me an ambulance!  I can't feel my face and I need a hospital with doctors in it RIGHT NOW! Doctors with medicine and needles and soothy voices!

YOU
(starting to scuttle in an AWAY direction)  Yes, of course!  Stay right there!  I'll call, I'll call!  (sprints to nearest phone)

ME
(sweating, squeezing cheeks and gritting teeth)  Hurry!  I--  I--  (calms quite abruptly)  Oh.  Okay, okay.  (touches cheek again, tremulous sigh) Hey, I, um . . .

YOU
(calling from across room)  They're on their way, okay?  It's just going to be a few minutes, so hold on.

ME
(stupidly sheepish) Um, yeah, thanks.  I uh--  well, I feel kind of okay now, and. . . so maybe I don't need--

YOU
(really kind of livid.  I'm so sorry. . .)  ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

ME
I--

YOU
(shouty and sounding very mean, even though I really did think I was--)  Everyone in this goddamn coffee shop is staring at us like we just punched a bunch of babies in the throat and you're OKAY NOW?  What the fuck?  What the ACTUAL fuck?!

ME
(a teensy bit defensive) When you walked over there, it got better, okay?  It was only when I was WITH YOU, so I think maybe this is YOUR problem! (crossing arms because hmph!)

YOU
(totally unable to speak, probably overcome with guilt about what you caused.  You need to be more careful.)